Speaker 1: 0:00

Next up on Soul Level, Human, it's like birth, death and orgasms in between.

Speaker 2: 0:07

That's as vulnerable as you get right, you just nailed dying for sex. That's pretty much how it went. That's what I'm saying, girl, that's what I'm saying. Yes, you nailed it.

Speaker 1: 0:15

I am not the same after watching this show. This is something that I will think about for the rest of my life. Oh my God. That is such a common response that I came across over and over and over again too, and I just want to acknowledge you, because this is not the podcast and shows and everything. This is not just entertainment. That's medicine, that's medicine.

Speaker 1: 0:38

You didn't come here to play safe. You came to remember your power and build what comes next. I'm Sylvia Beatriz, psychic medium and intuition coach, and this is Soul Level Human, the podcast for truth tellers, cycle breakers and soul-led revolutionaries. You didn't come here to bypass the chaos. You came here to lead through it. Nikki Boyer is one of those people you instantly feel at home with and I did, since we met at a photo shoot with my husband Adam back in our photo team days over 10 years ago.

Speaker 1: 1:13

Nikki's an Emmy award-winning host, actress and producer and the creator of Dying for Sex, the wondery podcast that won podcast of the year and was just adapted into the hit FX series starring Michelle Williams and Jenny Slate. The show is based on Nikki's real-life soulmate and best friend, molly, and the wild, beautiful, hilarious and heartbreaking journey they walked together as Molly faced a terminal diagnosis. In this episode, we talk about grief faced a terminal diagnosis. In this episode, we talk about grief, soulmates, signs from the other side and how love doesn't end. It just changes shape. Let's get into it. Nikki Boyer, thank you for coming on the show. I'm so happy to see you, oh my gosh.

Speaker 2: 1:59

Any chance to get to spend time with you is like such a bonus, and so thank you for giving me a space to come and share and just be girls together.

Speaker 1: 2:08

That's my favorite thing and I know that if we got together in person, we would be talking for an entire weekend retreat. We have so much to talk about. I'm just going to take us there real quick, like okay. First of all, when we met, we met at a photo shoot. Adam and I were shooting with you and we just spent the entire day together, and the way that we used to work was like hyper speed soul connection in the first five minutes, right. So I feel like we've already spent lifetimes together and this is the perfect extension of that, right. Like a decade and a half later, here we go, let's drop in again.

Speaker 2: 2:43

You. I have to say one of my favorite memories of you, oh my God, I just I fell in love with you instantly. First of all, you're going into a photo shoot. You don't know what to expect. You're feeling a little vulnerable, like am I cute enough, am I good enough? You know all those, those like invasive thoughts. Yeah, exactly. And I remember we were getting dressed and I was coming up with this cute little you know like should I wear this dress? And you said wait, wait, I have the perfect shoes. And you came in and you let me wear your shoes for the photo shoot and I thought that's like, you're there, you want me to feel good, and you let me borrow your shoes, your personal shoes, and I was just like and this was after like maybe 15, 20 minutes of knowing each other and I was like I, this human, is a good soul like a good soul who's here to support and love and make, make me feel good.

Speaker 2: 3:31

And I, just from that moment on, I just was like those two people, you and your husband. I was just like this is I don't know. This feels nice. This feels really good.

Speaker 1: 3:39

And we're locked in forever. We're done. Okay, great, perfect, yeah, I just love you. Okay, let me, let me make you squirm a little bit, because I need to be a mirror for you to reflect back to you the amazing impact that you, your presence and all of the things that you're doing or having in the world. Okay, you're ready? Okay, okay, I'm buckling up.

Speaker 1: 3:58

I was scrolling on TikTok last night for a good hour, just like seeing what people are saying about your show. Okay, and the two main things that I found these are the two main through lines that are repeated over and over. Amanda Butler says I was dying crying and two seconds later, I'm dying laughing. Standard reaction Celeste Yvonne says I am not the same after watching this show. This is something that I will think about for the rest of my life. I can't even look at you right now. That is such a common response that I came across over and over and over again. Those two and I just want to just acknowledge you for showing up, answering the call and being seen and playing big, because this is not podcast and shows and everything. This is not just entertainment, it's medicine.

Speaker 1: 4:55

It's medicine and that's so huge. That's so huge, and so my first question is if I've learned anything on the spiritual path, it's whatever medicine we have to give, it's because we've ingested it already first. So how has this whole experience been medicine for you first?

Speaker 2: 5:20

Oh, what a gorgeous deep question. Oh, what a gorgeous deep question. It has helped in so many ways because my grief is not linear as you know right, but I have to say I've never grieved in this way before. It was very I was grieving before she was even gone.

Speaker 2: 5:48

I was grieving after.

Speaker 2: 5:49

But there is a different kind of grief and I think I've learned that. And this is going to sound so airy fairy, but I have to say it this is the right place for words but I think what it has done for me is given me the confidence in my own ability to navigate my shit, Like before I'd be like I'm just, I'm just on autopilot and I'm just in a hamster wheel of feelings and this. But I'm being. I'm being very mindful of my grief process and what it feels like day to day, what it feels like month to month, and it's ever changing, but I'm always there for it. And I think, if you can really stop and clear out the noise and sit within, like that place within yourself where you're kind of watching yourself, but you're inside yourself and that sounds so, but that's how it feels, like I'm sitting in a chair inside of my body but watching myself, and I've really learned to stop and take a moment and be really accountable for my own feelings and where I am, even when I'm in the hamster wheel so.

Speaker 2: 7:03

Molly has through this process, has shown me that I can quiet myself when everything else is moving very quickly and I don't know if I had the tools to do that as quickly and as efficiently as I do now. And I know that sounds a little out there but like it's a deep knowing of yourself because you're being kind of ripped apart so you can either just be in the chaos or you can find the peace within that. And I think she taught me how to do that and that's been happening with my grief with her, and grief that you have for one person kind of starts bubbling up the grief that you have for other people. So my grief around my dad, my grief around people that I've lost in the past, have been bubbling up. So, yeah, grief has been a real, a real eye opener for me.

Speaker 1: 7:49

It's interesting that you say that you have other things to compare it to. How has it been the same or different? Because if you've walked that road before, then it's like you kind of know the terrain a little bit, like okay, yeah, I know that it's not linear and I know that this is coming up, but okay, yeah, I know that it's not linear and I know that this is coming up.

Speaker 2: 8:05

But how is this one different? Oh, that's good, the. I think the difference is because I'm a little older and a little wiser in my brains, a little more developed in my emotional capacities deepened, and you know, the saying is like you can only meet someone as deeply as you're willing to meet yourself.

Speaker 1: 8:19

And I think at the time that Molly died.

Speaker 2: 8:21

I was really digging deep on my own time that Molly died. I was really digging deep on my own individually, and also she was igniting me to dig deep as well. It was like she was a good mirror of like hey, I'm dying and you're living, so what are you doing, right, like for months on end, for four months, three and a half months straight.

Speaker 2: 8:41

That's like bootcamp like life bootcamp that's the best way to describe it. I hadn't thought of it that way, but it felt like life bootcamp because I was going to the hospital over and over again and I felt I was resistant sometimes to go and I felt like I didn't know what that was about. But now that we're having this conversation I'm like I think it was because I was forced to really look life dead in the eyes. Yes, those are words that I don't but like right in the eyes.

Speaker 1: 9:09

I was forced to look at it. Yeah, yeah, there's no way. There is nowhere to run at that point.

Speaker 2: 9:14

No, right, and I was, oh my gosh, I was going through so much personally and, yeah, but the grief with Molly feels different. You had asked because I'm. So I'm working with her and I feel like she's really spiritually with me and I can feel her kind of getting growing more and more distant over the years. Cause, that's what's how I think that's what happens with souls. This is just my like sort of made up version, is that like they stay pretty close because there's that connection and then, as time goes on, I feel like there's just a movement that happens that they get a little more distant from what grounded them here on earth. And so I felt Molly kind of growing a little distant after the five years. But then the show came out and now she's right back here, like I can feel her right here again. So I feel like I get, I'm working with her, I feel like she's with me very much.

Speaker 1: 10:01

That's beautiful. Did you have any conversations before she passed about how that evolution would happen between both of you? Yeah, yeah, what was that like?

Speaker 2: 10:11

Well, she was having some really interesting experiences. Some of them were a little eerie and she couldn't tell if she was hallucinating or on meds or if she was really having experiences, but definitely Give us the eerie, give us the eerie, yeah, so she said to me. Okay, right, I don't know if I've said this because nobody's asked.

Speaker 1: 10:31

Right Like you are yeah, that's what we do.

Speaker 2: 10:35

There was a time, she said, when the doctors came in and two of the doctors in their white coats were standing at the edge of her bed.

Speaker 2: 10:47

Coats were standing at the edge of her bed and she said she saw these very tall, very dark creatures standing behind the doctors and she said they looked eerie but they felt angelic and she's like, and then I wondered is our idea of what angels are completely off Like? Because we painted this picture of what we think they look like in our minds but she's like it was a dark presence but it didn't feel dark but the color was dark. But she said the interesting part was that the, these creatures that kind of look like very tall sort of human like, but darker and long heads and long arms and long fingers. So they were standing there like feeding information into the doctors and I'm like incredible what I said and she's like I don't know if I was making that up or hallucinating, but like I kept looking behind the doctor so much that the doctors were turning around to see what I was looking at.

Speaker 1: 11:37

Oh, my gosh.

Speaker 2: 11:39

Isn't that wild. But she's like I felt like they were getting the information that they needed to help support me, like there was just a transference of something happening. Yeah, that completely tracks.

Speaker 1: 11:51

I mean when people are waking up with psychic sight. That's how they start to see figures before they have the discernment of seeing what this is and what that is. It just shadows or like something out of the corner of your eye so that completely tracks that she would have seen just shadow or a dark figure, without like details being colored in.

Speaker 1: 12:10

That's so cool. And the fact that she was able to feel into oh, they're kind and benevolent and they're here for their loving presence, that's just validation that there's nothing to be afraid of. Oh, that's so beautiful.

Speaker 2: 12:23

I think that's one thing that I learned. I'm, of course, I'm very I'm afraid of losing people, yeah, but I don't know if I am as afraid to die as I was before going through this experience with Molly. So I have a little bit of peace about that, which I think is really special.

Speaker 1: 12:39

Yeah, yeah. Did you have what was your spirituality like before, like what was it like when you were growing up? Did you have any experiences like that before, or did this kind of blast the door open for you? How was that for you?

Speaker 2: 12:55

I was raised with like in a religious, in a very Catholic like. I went to all girls Catholic high school.

Speaker 1: 13:02

We bonded over this. That's right. Yeah, we did, that's right. Like I wore a uniform to school, I went to all girls.

Speaker 2: 13:04

Catholic high school. Oh, we bonded over this, that's right. Yeah, we did, we did, that's right. I wore a uniform to school. I went to church three times a week and I always kind of I mean no offense to religion it actually gave me structure. It ignited my love for music. I love being in a church, but organized religion is just not we're on the same page. For me, spirituality, though I'm like leaning and tell me more, give, yeah, give me more and the fact that, like our tiny little brains on earth, think that we could somehow have it all figured out.

Speaker 1: 13:32

I think it's so cute. Yeah, cute little humans. Oh, exactly, yeah, like you're trying so hard and you're so certain you're so certain, you're so certain and you think everyone else is wrong. Oh my gosh, exactly my love, and in fact I do.

Speaker 2: 13:49

It's so funny. I always say like I picture them on the other side being like look at them, they're so sweet. I love that you articulated it that way. That was very funny because that's how I feel. But I had a lot of you know, questions when I was growing up. I was like wait a minute, wait a minute. So we believe this. And I remember reading the Bible and being like hold on a second, so this means this here. But then it said over here and it's contradictory and like so I just had a lot of questions and so I kind of abandoned all of it and found my own spirituality and I think when my dad died, I had a real feeling that something was happening outside of this realm in the room when he was dying. What?

Speaker 1: 14:35

year? Was that to put perspective on there?

Speaker 2: 14:37

Yeah, yeah, it was 2005 when my dad died.

Speaker 1: 14:41

So, yeah, 20 years ago.

Speaker 2: 14:43

Yeah, oh gosh, that's wild.

Speaker 1: 14:47

Wait, 25. Wait, hold on, I can't do math. Yeah, we're in 25.

Speaker 2: 14:49

So 20 years ago.

Speaker 1: 14:51

I got you Together. We have one brain. It's good, it's fine, everyone is fine. Math is hard.

Speaker 2: 14:58

So 20 years ago I felt like I was able to really tap into something's going on here, because when my dad died, my mom was kind of standing over him and I was with him, I had the gift of being with him. But my mom, when he died, my mom went and I was like I could feel that something had gone through her and I felt it and I saw it and she felt it and so I was like, okay, that's undeniable. And then I just leaned into like meeting with psychics and meeting with spiritual guru and I just loved it. I loved meditation and I was like there's no way that what our tiny little brains thinks is possible is really what's out there. So I'm so open and I I say god sometimes, sometimes I say the universe. It just depends on what kind of mood I'm in. But with Molly she was not very religious at all, she was Jewish but didn't practice Judaism, and we just always connected on like humanity, like humanity feels like my religion like humans and souls and connections.

Speaker 2: 16:04

So yeah, we were similar in that way. But growing up I definitely did not have that understanding of I get to decide. I was told what I was supposed to believe and it took me a long time to undo that. Yeah.

Speaker 2: 16:19

Yeah, no, that makes sense, but I always was like wait a second, we're taking a piece of bread and you're going to give me wine at the age of like nine. I have questions. I was like wait, I mean, I just knew something, felt I was like this doesn't make sense to me, but I do love. I love creating habits and doing things that feel like Like the rituals, rituals and what they, but they represent no shade to anyone.

Speaker 2: 16:48

I just I'm talking in real time about what I was like pulling apart as I was getting older.

Speaker 1: 16:53

We are completely on the same page. There was such a foundation there. Like, okay, you're telling me, god is love, god loves me, and then you're turning around and saying everyone that thinks like this is a bad and evil. I'm like, wait, but I feel so loved and I love others. How can loving someone who is different be wrong? I have questions. This feels wrong. So, anyway, I'm glad we're on the same page. Yeah, 100%. Oh, my gosh, and what you said too, about you and Molly being so connected spiritually through a human experience I mean that you just spoke volumes in that sentence, because I mean there is nothing more spiritual than to fully live, like to actually let your soul express through your choices in your life. Like what can? What is possibly more spiritual than that? And there is nothing more human than to die, because everything dies. So it's like you can't escape that paradigm, no matter what you do. It's not like you can actually like fuck this up and not be a soul. You know what I mean.

Speaker 2: 17:56

Right, right. So that's such a beautiful way of putting it. I want that embroidered on a pillow. It can be a long sentence.

Speaker 1: 18:03

It's going to be a really big pillow embroidered on a pillow, and it can be a long sentence. It's going to be a really big pillow I got you. I'll write it down somewhere and then you can have it embroidered. Oh my God, that's amazing. Okay, so door opening wise.

Speaker 1: 18:20

It sounds like you're saying that your dad was the initial door opener when you first realized, oh, something's happening here and it's interesting that you mentioned that that's in 2005, because my door opener wasn't a family member, but it was my childhood dog who died in 2006. So parallel experiences. I was looking into his eyes as he was passing and it was this moment of like lights on, lights off, yeah, Like I can connect with you. And you went, went somewhere and I want to know where you went.

Speaker 2: 18:47

Like I must know everything, yeah, and your body is here, but your soul is like what happened? What just happened? Isn't that fascinating?

Speaker 1: 18:57

to see that and I don't know that it's possible to have an experience like that and not have that door blown open. And not everybody chooses to walk through that door. It's just an invitation like okay, there's a whole other world here that's available to you if you want to walk through. And I have this theory that many of us have a door opening event where it's the invisible string of love that creates that safety for your curiosity to take over. Because if you grow up with experiences and you're having quote unquote scary things that you don't understand, it makes sense that you're going to lock that door or shut it fast, right. But if you have a loved one that walks through and you know that there's something more, then doesn't it make sense that you feel safe in continuing that relationship?

Speaker 1: 19:48

Huh yeah yeah, yeah, you know it's not like you're putting yourself out there to pursue something scary. You're putting yourself out there to love more.

Speaker 2: 20:02

Right, that's so beautiful. Yes, yes, right, so beautiful. Yes, yes, it's interesting too that you have had that was locked. It was, that door was, uh, burst open by your dog, and I do believe that they are here to teach us that lesson and to just kind of crack us open a little bit. And, um, it's interesting you mentioned that because um two years ago, my, my dog, my giant St Bernard, passed away and I was so present for her passing because of what I had gone through with my dad and because of what I had gone through with Molly, and you know, of course, that there are a couple of things I wished I would have done different, like you just go.

Speaker 2: 20:36

Oh, she was laying, she was huge, she was, like, you know, 150 pound dog. She was on me but I wanted to look into her eyes, but I didn't want to pull my body out from underneath her because she was so comfortable and so I didn't get to look at her, but I could see her peripherally. I wish I would have just been right there, in front of her face, just right there. But there was that moment that you say, syl, where it's like they're there, their soul is there, and all of a sudden, sudden, it's just, there's a shift and you feel what happens in that moment. Where do we go? What do we do? What is the portal? What is it like? I am so completely fascinated by this that I can go down the rabbit hole.

Speaker 2: 21:21

I look at people that have had near-death experiences.

Speaker 1: 21:23

Same. I'm obsessed with those on YouTube. Have you binged all this content, like me? Yes, yes. And they're the fact that they're all so similar, consistent the same, no matter what age they are, what background, what religion, it's the same. I know I got chills, I know I love that stuff so good. I know I love that stuff so good. So it's so comforting then because, okay, if we have this foundation of like this is the reality that we're living in, at least right, then everything that's happening now gets to be kind of I don't know if the word is cocooned, but kind of sheltered by this understanding of everything. And I mean without that cushion, I feel like everything here is just so much scarier, so much harder, so much.

Speaker 2: 22:14

Yeah, the stakes just feel incredibly high all the time. Yeah, but there there is something after you've experienced. Okay, so this, this I'm so glad you're bringing this up, because the reason that I want people to have conversations about death, first of all, it's the one thing that's going to happen to all of us. So why are we avoiding?

Speaker 1: 22:34

it. You can't get out of this place alive.

Speaker 2: 22:35

Exactly Right. And then the second thing is I do think when you get over that initial uncomfortable feeling of talking about death or what you want your death to look like, if you're lucky enough to be able to walk someone home or to navigate that for yourself or someone else, it's such a gift Like. Once you get over that uncomfortable part, like it's, then the conversation becomes just really deeply connected and you're like talking about the things that no one talked about and you're kind of in this little like bubble together Right and I love that and I think if you can get over that uncomfortable part and get to the, the others, the other stuff, then the ability to have intimacy with somebody, it's on a different level, it really is.

Speaker 2: 23:17

So I just encourage anyone who hasn't had that conversation, if they feel safe in the relationship and they feel like they're not too afraid it's not going to trigger like a panic attack or something like, please, I say, lean into those conversations with your friends and family. I did it with Molly and I'm so, so glad I did. I mean we came up with a deal that she was going to come visit me, but it wasn't going to be creepy. And then there was one night where it was creepy and I was like you are crossing the line. You are crossing the line. You remember our rules. What does she do? Can I tell you what you're going to? Please?

Speaker 1: 23:47

tell me.

Speaker 2: 23:49

I'm in bed sleeping, my husband is sleeping next to me. Molly and my husband oddly looked a little bit alike. They had very similar features blonde hair, very cute. I'm getting up to go to the bathroom and I'm I'm assuming my husband is next to me right Sleeping, and I walk by the bathroom and I see him on the toilet and I'm like, oh, he's in the bathroom. So I went to the other bathroom to use it and when I came back he was still in bed, sleeping. So I was like am I having a? Am I in a different universe here? And so I realized it was her sitting on the toilet, hanging out in the bathroom to give me a hello or something. And I thought it was him. But it wasn't him, because it was so jarring. I got into bed, I lifted the covers up to my neck and I don't even know if I'm describing the story correctly, but what I can tell you is that I just assumed it was him and I don't know how he had gotten into the bathroom, because who else would?

Speaker 1: 24:58

have been sitting on the toilet.

Speaker 2: 25:00

That's the perfect way of putting it, thank you. And I realized it was her and I was like, hey, I'm terrified and that was the one and only time she did it. But she's come around, like my phone will just dial her number out of the blue. The other day I was sitting at lunch with my really good friend, tara, and the coffee saucer just started sliding across the table while we were talking about Molly. I mean, we were both like so I think she's definitely around and I feel her, but I don't know if I would have been as open to really taking those moments in if I wouldn't have really been mindful with her about talking about those things before she died and how we were going to navigate that together.

Speaker 2: 25:41

And she did say like I want to meet your dad when I cross over and I can't wait to like hold his hand and talk about how much we love you and like we were really. We talked about it a lot.

Speaker 1: 25:53

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 25:53

Yeah, it was really, really sweet to be able to like talk with her about she was a little afraid. I think there was a part of her that's like I'm afraid to take my last breath, I'm afraid it's going to feel hard and be scary. And then when she decided to go through sedation which I think was really helpful for her to calm her down and get her into a place where she could kind of navigate her spiritual crossing over where she wasn't so fear-based, that's when she came to me and woke me up in the middle of the night so I could wake up for her last breath. And so the fact that she did that how did she?

Speaker 1: 26:29

come to you. Did you have a dream? Did she wait, like how?

Speaker 2: 26:34

did that go? Okay, I love that. I love that I get to talk about this. I'm here for it.

Speaker 2: 26:39

Molly was in the hospital, I decided to go see my husband play in his band that night. I'm at the band gig. Um, this man comes up to my table and says hello, my name is Robert. And I'm like hello, robert. And he's like I am a psychic medium and I just wanted to let you know that Molly is here. She's right next to me and she's talking to you and I'm like well, you didn't say Molly. He said your friend, you have a friend that's ill. And I said yes, and he goes, she's here and she's giving me. And I said absolutely. And he said she wants you to stay over. And I was like, okay, the night goes on.

Speaker 2: 27:15

I go to the hospital the next day. We decide that Molly wants to do sedation. It's a Monday. She gets sedated. It's Tuesday, it's Wednesday. Wednesday night comes and we're all sort of around her bed rallying and giving her love and she's completely sedated and her breathing is definitely shifting. And I said I think I want to go home for a few hours, maybe come back later. And her mom said wait, wait, can you stay over? And I was like, yes, chills, exactly.

Speaker 1: 27:46

Yes, I can stay over.

Speaker 2: 27:48

First of all, it's a very specific way of saying can, yes, I can stay over which? First of all, it's a very specific way of saying can you spend the night? Like can you stay over? And I was like Word for word, yeah, Went home, packed my bags, came back I had never spent the night at the hospital.

Speaker 1: 28:00

Really, it was always my mom that was there. I had never stayed overnight. That was the first night.

Speaker 2: 28:03

Yes, it was the first and only night I stayed in the hospital, oh my gosh, because her mom was there. Yeah, so having two people in a hospice room was too much, it's a lot. Yeah, yeah, and I needed a break. Yeah, no for sure, yeah, right. But like looking back, I'm like, oh, I never did stay over, that's right, I never spent the night.

Speaker 1: 28:21

No, but that's just more like from my perspective. That's just so incredible that that was the night Like. What a validation of what you experienced to have that be the night I know Wow.

Speaker 2: 28:33

So I stayed over. I actually was in the waiting room talking to my husband. I said I think I'm really tired, I think I'm going to go into the room, and there was nowhere for me to sleep. So her mom was on the cot next to her and I pulled up like one of those giant reclining chairs that weighed like 700 pounds.

Speaker 2: 28:48

That are awful and you can't get comfortable in, Turned off the lights, laid next to her, reclined the chair so that I was facing her and I put my hand on her, like the bottom of her leg, and fell asleep really, really hard because I was exhausted. I fell asleep for, maybe because I paid attention to the it was like 1145, 1150. And I fell asleep for what felt like a hundred hours and it was like nine minutes. But my hand was on her leg and I felt what I thought was a nurse tapping my finger to wake me up and I wake up and the room is empty.

Speaker 2: 29:27

There's no nurse there.

Speaker 2: 29:28

Molly's sleeping and breathing very slowly and her mother is fast asleep next to her. So I felt that tapping. I woke up and I thought oh my gosh. And then I thought, oh, that was her. So I stood up and I put my hand on her chest and my other hand right on her head and I just said I'm here and I got you. And she took one breath in like a, and it felt like minutes went by and then I heard her exhale and I waited and I waited and that was it. I was there for her final breath. It was so powerful, it was so beautiful and I think she woke me up to tell me like I'm here, I need you, like please stand up. But the fact that she tapped my fingers so intentionally underneath my hand, the fingers were like tap, tap, tap, tap, it's like it's go time baby.

Speaker 2: 30:33

It's go time, yeah. So I just feel like, even though the grief is intense and the losing her is so hard, I just feel like what I've gained in this process is just out of this world.

Speaker 1: 30:50

Literally right, literally. Oh my God, yeah, what a testament to your soulmate relationship. That's a soulmate, I know.

Speaker 2: 31:00

I know she always used to call me her soulmate and I was like stop being so dramatic, oh, well, in your face, she's still calling you a soulmate, so there. And my husband's. Like she really is your soulmate. She's working through you and your soul, Like you guys are soul souls working together. Yes, yes, still working on this project together. So, yeah, it was pretty.

Speaker 1: 31:19

Yeah, Amazing. I mean, okay, there's different, you know, experiences that people have when they pass away Right and and many people choose to do it when there's no one around. What I've read what I've studied is. It's very intentional the way that you leave, and so to be chosen, truly to be chosen to be there in that moment, so much so that's so vulnerable. It's like it's like birth, death and orgasms in between. That's. That's as vulnerable as you get right.

Speaker 2: 31:52

You just nailed dying for sex. That's pretty much how it went. That's what I'm saying, girl, that's what I'm saying. Yes, you nailed it.

Speaker 1: 31:57

So you're soulmates, you're still working together.

Speaker 2: 32:02

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 32:04

Yeah, do you feel her when you're doing interviews? Do you feel her on set? Do you feel her? What was, what was? Tell me the magic that you felt around like pre-production, production and now getting everything out into the world.

Speaker 2: 32:18

I. I think I was so nervous and so caught up during pre-production time because I I I'd never been an executive producer. It was new for me. I was trying to be included as much as I could and be a part of it, without being like there's a certain kind of walking on eggshells that can happen when the person who created the original content is in the room. And I think very early on I had to create such a bond with my showrunners, kim Rosenstock and Liz Merriweather, where I could say such a bond with my showrunners, kim Rosenstock and Liz Merriweather, that where I could say you talk about me like I'm not here, talk about this like I'm not, like you can dive in creatively without having to worry about my feelings. Don't worry if I cry because that's my love language, don't worry if it seems uncomfortable, like I want to serve the greater purpose and so very incredible humility Like that's hard.

Speaker 2: 33:12

I just trusted it. I. But thank you for saying that. I just didn't want to muck up how Molly was coming through them, right, Like I wanted her to be able to come through them as well. And, Michelle, when I've spoken to Michelle Michelle Williams, who plays Molly in the show, she felt Molly coming through her as well. Molly was so busy working through everyone so I felt very included and very a part of it. But it was still very new for me, Like my, my inadequacies were like I was feeling them tenfold Once I got on set. I felt really good Once the show was finished and I was watching the rough cuts. That's when the grief kicked in, Cause I was like, oh, I'm going to really have to let go of her, Right, Like, really let go. And um, when I watched the series, I watched the last episode in my bed with my husband and I just remember the the cry that came out of me.

Speaker 2: 34:04

It was kind of the same cry that happened after she died and I remember thinking oh, this is a second version of a death. But then I woke up the next day and here I am doing interviews and talking about her. So she keeps becoming a reborn version of herself with each year that passes.

Speaker 2: 34:22

So I don't know if she'll ever leave my soul because she's just so deeply within me and I'm talking about her and living with her so much. And so I don't even remember what the original question was, but it was like just like, yeah, I feel her so deeply in every phase of all of this.

Speaker 1: 34:40

But what was the question Basically, the magic around the different stages of it, I mean, yeah, was it? Did you find that things that might've been kind of 3d harder to line up were easier? With her working behind the scenes on it, Like yeah.

Speaker 2: 35:01

Yes, because I felt like when things would get muddy or we would be like, what do we do with this? How do we do it? This way, I just trusted that, with Molly working through us and with all these amazing creative minds, that it just needed to. You need to just be patient and give things a process. Let things be uncomfortable for a minute, let it kind of marinate let people get.

Speaker 2: 35:23

Yeah, let it breathe. And I learned that Molly taught she was very, very smart and very emotionally intelligent and very patient, and I learned that from her. Oh it's 11, 11. Oh, it is 11, 11. I just looked up right at my I don't know why. I looked at my clock but, yes, I felt Molly a lot being like it's okay, it's okay, you don't have to fight it, like you don't have to fight for me anymore, like it's okay, cause I'm a fighter, I will fight for my feelings, I'll fight for my friends. And I just felt a calmness and when things felt uncomfortable, I knew that it was just part of the process and that was really great lesson for me. But she was around.

Speaker 2: 36:00

I felt her magic all around and the fact that Michelle felt her as well was really just a beautiful reminder that like she was with everyone, I mean even my production designer. He called me and said I know it's set in New York and Molly lived in LA but she was born in New York and I want to incorporate things that she loved in the place that Michelle's Molly's apartment will be. And I sent him photos of the furniture that she had and art that she liked and he said I thought you said you had some of her artwork as a little girl and I said I do, and he printed it and put it in. So there's little Easter eggs in the show of Molly's artwork from her childhood. She was actually a really great painter when she was very abstract art but like so ahead of her time and so there's some artwork in the show that is actually Molly's existing.

Speaker 2: 36:54

I know so, like everyone was just so in tune with her so she was working through everyone on that set. I felt it so deeply.

Speaker 1: 37:01

Oh, that's just incredible. That's incredible and that just that soulmate vibe, I feel magnetizes our people right towards us, right. So now you have Michelle, you have Jenny in this new chapter. I mean, I feel, when you're playing someone that actually exists, you're bonded for life Like this, is it?

Speaker 2: 37:22

This is just I love that you said that. Right, I love her Like there's a love that is. And she gave me this little beautiful necklace that says Nikki on it. It's a gold heart that she wore in the show for the first three episodes and she gave it to me at the end and she was like I want to be close to your heart forever.

Speaker 1: 37:42

So wear this.

Speaker 2: 37:43

And so I love her. Like I can't wait to see her next week at the Gotham awards. We're going going and I cannot wait to be in the presence of her and hug her and just be near her. I love her. And Michelle, like there's this weird thing I feel around Michelle. Like when I said goodbye to her at the premiere and I hugged her, I was like there was a grief in letting go of Michelle, like I was like and then she left me this beautiful voicemail.

Speaker 2: 38:07

And I remember thinking like. I feel like that's a little sliver of Molly that I have in Michelle. It is.

Speaker 1: 38:15

Yeah, I cannot believe how powerful Molly is. First of all, are you kidding me? And how well she's been taking care of you. She's literally lining up your people, like, okay, I may not be here in the 3D, but I got some really amazing people that are going to carry the torch forward. What a beautiful person.

Speaker 2: 38:37

She was just in the kitchen shoving eggs in my face before I came on to talk with you and I looked at my husband and I go can you believe her? And he was like he starts crying. And then I start crying. I'm like, look at her, her tiny little life, her tiny little, sweet little life, because she was so willing to crack herself open and share and, I think, teach people through her death of what life can feel like that. The ripple effect of her is so profound and so beautiful. And I'm like talk about leaving your mark. Yes, yeah, right, yeah.

Speaker 1: 39:17

Well, to bring that back to her courageous choices, to double down on what she was here to experience and what she wasn't going to miss out on yeah, the courage that takes.

Speaker 2: 39:29

I mean, you know she was a very fearful little girl because of the sexual trauma that happened to her. I think she was a fearful woman in her 20s as well and I think the cancer diagnosis was a real shift for her of like, wait a second, I don't have a lot of time and I want to figure this out. And she chose sexual adventures to do that. But what's interesting is people. You know there've been a few comments which I think are so funny. I love people that troll and leave mean comments. They're my favorite. I'm so glad you feel that way. I love it. They're like really great, leave your husband and go on a journey of fucking around. That's a real way to. And I was like oh, that's what you projection, projection.

Speaker 2: 40:13

projection I was like is someone afraid that Jerry's going to leave her? Like.

Speaker 1: 40:17

Oh my God, get over yourself, Linda.

Speaker 2: 40:19

But I was like um. I mean, I really think her name was Linda but, Linda's are amazing. I love that, lindas are amazing, I love them.

Speaker 2: 40:28

But she said, you know, she had this, this feeling, and I didn't respond to it but I thought, gosh, if that's what she's getting out of molly's journey, that's this. So you know, it's so uh, surface. Because I do think molly's desire to be connected to her body, be connected to her pleasure and not feel shame around her, accepting other people for their kinks and fetishes and their trauma that they have gone through as well, there's a really deep connection she had with every almost I wouldn't say every the majority of the men that she had relationships with. But I think what's really important, sylvia, to point out, is that, yes, she was deepening her relationship with sex, but she was also deepening her relationship with herself and she said, yeah, I really want to fall in love.

Speaker 2: 41:12

I want to fall in love, and she did. And she fell so deeply in love with herself. She got to that point where she was like I really love myself and I'm so proud of my body and look, look what I did. And I'm like, yes, you did it. You did it. So she had that before she died. She knew. I think she got it for herself.

Speaker 1: 41:32

I mean, I feel we all choose our medicine, we all choose our pathway to that same endpoint. Like this whole journey truly is unlearning the human side of what we've been taught, questioning what this all means, figuring out who we really are and what we're here to do, and just letting ourselves be that and experience that. I mean. Isn't that the whole point?

Speaker 2: 41:55

I love that. You just said that we're unlearning the human side of ourselves that's so powerful we are. That's what we're actively doing and trying to tap into the bigger meaning, the bigger purpose and the bigger connection. I mean, you know, when you walk by someone on the street and you see them and you feel something for them, you're like a stranger and you're like what is that? And that's the spiritual connection. I do believe that souls go in and out of different bodies at different times and we've all known each other in different versions of time. And one thing Molly said to me when she was dying she was like I know now that time is not linear. I know it Like I can feel that it is not linear. And I was like what does it feel like? And she's like like I'm everywhere, but I'm also right here and.

Speaker 2: 44:10

I'm like what Tell me more. And so one of the the cool things that I learned from watching her die, which sounds I know it sounds a little like, but it was- not for this show, yeah.

Speaker 2: 44:23

It was. It was so cool to watch her go through. This was, watching her, um, uh, learn those lessons in real time for herself, like, oh, this is this, is this. I'm here, but I'm also a lot of other places. I feel like, and I was like, oh my gosh, I and you know she'd get really tired and I think she'd get exhausted. She was also writing her book while she was dying as well. So we had lots of lots of really interesting chats and then we'd laugh and make fun of things and be you know, go on Bumble and Hinge and look at the you know the guys that were still trying to connect with her. We would laugh about it you know and have fun.

Speaker 1: 44:59

And then you mentioned that she had visitors in the hospital too.

Speaker 2: 45:09

I mean, oh yeah, she's so fun. She had some. It was before she was in the hospital at the very end, but it was. It was when she was pretty sick. She was, I mean, she was hooked up to an IV. She was there for two or three days and she did have a visitor come in and they got a little frisky and the nurses knew to kind of like give her her space, which is also sort of depicted in the TV show as well with Rob Delaney and Michelle Williams so beautifully shot.

Speaker 2: 45:29

But I ended up interviewing that specific guy on our podcast and I had judgment about him.

Speaker 2: 45:36

I was like, who goes to a hospital to like, hook up with the sick girl? Like I had judgment and I got to talk to him on the podcast and it was so different and so much more beautiful than what I had had conjured up in my mind. So it was a good lesson for me of like don't make judgment about other people's journeys through whatever they're going through. Like just let it, let it be and let it unfold. And it actually made her feel very alive and she wanted it, she was excited about it, but he was very distraught by her passing and loved her very much. I mean, he was polyamorous, so he believed in many loves and he wasn't able to give Molly the relationship that I think maybe she sort of secretly craved, but he loved her deeply and was very distraught by her passing, which is something I didn't anticipate or know until I got on the phone with him and talked about it with him. This was after Molly had actually died, so I was still learning about her even after she passed.

Speaker 1: 46:33

So such a cool reminder this whole experience is such a time release medicine. I feel like you have this experience once, but it like diverges, like a like a infinite tesseract of some kind of like. Okay, well, now you're going to learn this, and now you're going to see this, now you're going to meet with that, and then I mean just what?

Speaker 2: 46:51

I know. That's incredible, molly would always say I just want to be the most important person in your life, that's all I want. And I'd be like, well, that's ridiculous. And now I'm like, oh my God.

Speaker 1: 46:59

Yeah, I get it, that bitch.

Speaker 2: 47:00

She is the most important. I mean like everything I do is under the umbrella of her, her creative force in this world, and also, like I always say to myself, like what would Molly do? What would Molly do?

Speaker 1: 47:13

I just carry her with me.

Speaker 2: 47:15

And I think other people are starting to carry her. I got a DM yesterday and I'll keep this human anonymous and not even divulging the information. But this person expressed how they were very much struggling and didn't tap into their emotions, but episode six of the podcast it sort of unleashed an emotion in them that they didn't think they had and that they had been feeling taunted by the idea of self-harm and not taking care of themselves and that this episode of the podcast shifted them deeply and that they're going to start getting the help that they need. And this person said you may not have been able to save Molly, oh my gosh.

Speaker 2: 48:02

She somehow saved me and this person was just telling me this, and I'm going back and forth with this person and I was just like Molly, you are just changing the world and I'm so impressed by your ability to be in people, in, in, in people, that she's in them, you know, and so that's just but you're also the representative holding that energy because she, if you weren't here, available and open to do this teamwork thing that you both signed up to do, then she wouldn't be able to have the impact she's having now.

Speaker 1: 48:34

So, thank you, thanks for saying I. I noticed in your bio, which was extensive, by the way, like, excuse me, is it who me? Who is this amazing person I'm talking to right now? Excuse me, but like so, you mentioned that you volunteer for the suicide hotline, right? So it's like you, you hold space for that energy, you do know how to go there and you do know how to be the light in that moment. And I don't believe in mistakes and coincidences, I believe in the timing is the best and highest good. You made this podcast, you made the two podcasts and then you made the show, and it just lives out there for people to find exactly when they need it and to be open to being used. In that way, it's like you show up for the moment, you show up for what feels right in that moment and then you release it and you don't know how it's going to be used. You don't know how you're going to be used.

Speaker 2: 49:31

That's such a nice reminder. Thanks for saying that. Yeah, you don't know, you don't. You just have to be like willing, a willing participant in all of it. I feel like I am. I don't think I've been resistant. I can be a real asshole sometimes, but I think I really I love that for you.

Speaker 2: 49:51

Yeah, and Molly was really good at protecting her magic and setting boundaries and I was. I learned that from her. I learned a lot from her, my gosh, my gosh and I still am. I think we all are. I just love you for being willing to have you know. I've done a lot of press and I've done a lot of talking about the show and the podcast and I'll do it until I'm blue in the face. It's my favorite thing to talk about. But this interview has been so, uh, spiritually, it was a. It brought me back to center and reminded me of why I'm doing this and what this is really really about. Thank you, thank you, thank you so much, like it's been. I haven't thought about any of it in this way, in a in a participatory way. I don't think in a long time. So thank you.

Speaker 1: 50:44

I'm just calling what. I'm seeing, and you need to be refilled too, because you're doing a lot.

Speaker 2: 50:50

Do you know what's funny? Is it like you'd think I'd want? Like, after all of this, I'm like you'd think I'd want like some spiritual guidance, or I'd want like a retreat, or to go to some beautiful place. I want to lay in my bed and watch really bad reality TV and drink soda and eat Doritos. That's what I want to do. Yeah, yeah, why not? I think that's what I'm going to do tomorrow.

Speaker 2: 51:12

I haven't done that in months and and it was so funny because I remember it's so funny oh my God, I remember I worked really I'm just a hard worker and Molly would always be like, why are you like, why don't you give yourself some time to just recharge? And I would always judge what my recharging looked like. And now I don't judge it anymore. I'm like bed, some version of housewives, some version of Doritos whether it's cool ranch or the regular traditional kind and a Coke Zero with a ton of ice, like that is heaven. What is yours, what is your guilty? Guilty like deep, like nasty, doesn't look pretty soulful thing that you do. That's like kind of cheesy.

Speaker 1: 51:54

I mean it's snacks in bed, with all the crumbs everywhere it's having. Like whatever drinks I'm drinking, like just accumulating on the nightstand. Yes, Okay. I mean I have a kid, so like whenever I do get to sleep in, it's like amazing. So good To sleep. Sleep, yeah, mainly sleep honestly.

Speaker 2: 52:15

I like that. It kind of is in the same font as mine. Oh yeah, it's not that far off.

Speaker 1: 52:19

Yeah Well, I feel like when you're giving so much, the output is so high.

Speaker 2: 52:25

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 52:27

You have to go back to the absolute basics to pour back in. My ask is not big. I don't need a lot, I just need a little bit. Just need a little something, something that's so funny.

Speaker 2: 52:39

Some greasy ass chips. Yes, and my phone is not like my phone's on so I can scroll TikTok and all the stupid things, but like my email is somehow disabled so I can't check my emails.

Speaker 1: 52:50

Yeah, no, no email, I don't want to do that. No connecting to anyone else. I don't want to give anyone like nothing, nothing for anyone else, just me. What do I want anyone to like nothing, nothing for anyone else, just me.

Speaker 2: 53:00

What do I want? Oh, my God, you've just inspired me. I think I have a couple of meetings tomorrow morning and I have like four hours and like I've just been going going and I think I'm just going to lay in my bed and eat snacks and think of and think of you and Molly and be like listen, we're in this together. We all have to stop and eat snacks in bed.

Speaker 1: 53:19

We do Cause. What else are we going to do? What are we even doing here? Come on, it's time for some snacks. Everything else we could do later, wait. What's your favorite snack?

Speaker 2: 53:25

Popcorn. It is popcorn. Yeah, Now do you make the popcorn, or do you just buy a bag of popcorn? Oh no, I make it. Oh, that's beautiful.

Speaker 1: 53:33

A little butter, a little salt. A lot of butter, a lot of salt.

Speaker 2: 53:44

Okay, a lot of butter, a lot of salt. Okay, can I tell you this one thing really quick, please do so. When Molly and I were recording Dying for Sex, we came up with a segment at the end of the original podcast that was never really released, because when I would text, voice text, molly hey, I want to get together, I want to talk about Dying for Sex with you it would voice text and hear me say Diane for snacks. So we started calling it Diane for snacks. So we came up with a segment at the end of our show called Diane for snacks, which makes no sense to anybody else but us.

Speaker 2: 54:10

And it would be hey, what are you eating this week? And Molly would always be like I'm on chemotherapy, I'm nauseous, I'm not eating anything, but thanks for asking. Or she'd be like Jell-O I ate Jous. I'm not eating anything, but thanks for asking. Yeah, like right, like that. Or she'd be like jello I ate jello this week.

Speaker 1: 54:22

You're jealous.

Speaker 2: 54:23

Exactly, and then I would go on with all the stupid shit that I was eating, but we so. I think it's very funny that we're we're ending our conversation talking.

Speaker 1: 54:31

It's almost like she's hanging out in the room with us. Oh my God, I love that so much.

Speaker 2: 54:39

I do, I do, I love that Diane for snacks.

Speaker 1: 54:43

I will Diane for snacks any day of the week with you, my friend Same girl. I'll bring you popcorn.

Speaker 2: 54:48

I will shove that popcorn directly into your mouth, hell to the yes, please Any day, oh my gosh, I love you so much, thank you.

Speaker 1: 54:58

Thank you for dropping in with me. This is like my favorite thing to do.

Speaker 2: 55:03

I love what you're putting out into the world and I know that the work that you're doing because I know it's a grind sometimes because you're there's a deep desire for connection, right, and that doesn't just happen magically. You have to, like, make a plan and you are making your plan and you're making your podcast and you're connecting with people on a really deep level and that's what makes this life feel good. So, thanks for being like part of what makes life feel really good, right now. I love you.

Speaker 1: 55:34

Thank you. I love you To all of us lightworkers. We're holding the light in a really dark time and it's time to fucking show up, right.

Speaker 2: 55:45

For yourself and for each other.

Speaker 1: 55:47

So get it together, elf, first Get your shit together.

Speaker 2: 55:49

Yeah, get your shit together with love and then go give that shit to other people.

Speaker 1: 55:55

This is life advice according to us. I love it. I love it. We'll send you an invoice later. It's great, oh my God.

Speaker 2: 56:01

Oh my God, I know I'm looking at my. You know I joked earlier about our embroidered pillow. My friend Katie gave me this, this embroidery.

Speaker 1: 56:08

What does it say? No, it's all blurry on my end. What is it? Oh my God, I love it so much.

Speaker 2: 56:13

It says something really crass and horrible it says suck a dick, suck a dick.

Speaker 1: 56:15

It says suck a dick.

Speaker 2: 56:16

It says suck a dick. But I don't really mean I don't have a dick and I don't want you to suck it. But if I feel like I need to like say back off or like even to my thoughts, like usually I'm saying suck a dick to my thoughts. So don't be afraid to tell your thoughts to suck a dick.

Speaker 1: 56:29

I love that. I saw a TikTok the other day. That was like not today, becky. Same energy. Suck a dick, becky. 100%.

Speaker 2: 56:38

Yours is just a little nicer.

Speaker 1: 56:40

Well, yours was really nice too, because there's little embroidery. The little font and the decorations it's neat, but the message has some um to it, right, yeah, embroidered.

Speaker 2: 56:51

I can't imagine on Etsy what the woman said when my friend Katie was like, hey, could you embroider, suck a dick with flowers on a? Yeah, the woman was probably like I don't know.

Speaker 1: 57:01

There are many people who make some off-color beautiful things on purpose, so I feel like those are just our people and we just need to take over the world already so that we can just have more fun and have boundaries. That's it.

Speaker 2: 57:15

You are just like just magical, and the day I met you I just I don't know I fell in love. And we haven't really communicated in person, but there's just a soul connection I feel that I'm so grateful for you. So back at you, back at you.

Speaker 1: 57:31

Thanks for hanging. I'm going to let you go and be your famous amazing self.

Speaker 2: 57:36

Lord.

Speaker 1: 57:38

Oh my gosh.

Speaker 2: 57:39

I okay, Soon, let's do this again soon, maybe in person, with snacks.

Speaker 1: 57:43

We'll be we can and some drinks together, it'll be great I love you, love you bye as we close, I just want to dedicate this episode to my mom and to soul sisterhood.

Speaker 1: 57:56

As dying for sex premiered, my mom was spending her days being with her best friend of over 40 years, while she was in hospice and with a kid's school schedule and spring break, I wasn't even able to watch Nikki's show until a few days after my mom's friend passed away. And now, less than a month later, my mom is halfway around the world caring for yet another soul sister with dementia. So thank you, mom, for showing me what it means to be there for your people, and thank you to the sisters, the special ones you're gifted by blood and the ones that the universe drops in your path, the ones that get it, roll up their sleeves with you, make you laugh in the darkest of times, let you be messy, protect your life with theirs and have your back when anyone, including the Becky inside your own head, tries to tear you down. And look, my mom's calling me right now. What are we psychic? So send this episode to your soul sisters while I go talk to my mom.

Speaker 1: 58:58

Thank you for listening to Soul Level Human. If this episode moved something in you, share it, text it to a friend, post to your stories. The Soul Level Revolution spreads one brave human at a time and your voice makes a difference. So until next time, remember to slow down, tune in, trust your guidance and keep having the audacity to choose the highest timeline. When you show up fully, you give others permission to do the same. Make this the timeline where you show up.